Grrrrrr....

I always said that if THIS happened to me I'd be ready. Strangely it happened a few hours ago & I froze. No real reaction. The shock of it all. I felt bad.

I just don't feel that way about him. He's an amazing man. He's the bestest (lol) I adore him. I wish those feelings long ago were still there sometimes without all that past hurt & history. Then things might be right. I would be in love. The deepest of loves. He's kind of perfect. I don't think I wanna go back to that place. The place where I was left to deal. That place of pain. Hurt. Disappointment. & I've pretty much quit long distance ANYTHING. If I meet a man with a pinch of everything I've grown to love about you...I'm...holding on...TIGHT. (our friendship means THE WORLD to me) Superb you are.

I saw he & her. It was her bday. They took pictures. They look made for eachother. Jealously covered my face as I wish hers was mine instead. I always thought it would be us...oneday. We never had that chance. & now we never will. He's happy. I'll smile. Turning. Walking. Out of his life. For good. Part of me will always want you. It's hard to convince myself that we don't fit. In the back of my mind you'll be forever mine. We were classic, babe.

So much emotion running through me. 50% is sleepy. The other 50% is like a pot of stew.

...is back. Not really sure why right now. It's slightly weird. Him. Being here. Don't know what he thinks we'll become. I say nothing. Not feeling it. He hasn't really changed. I'm still a convenience in his eyes. Sometimes I don't even think he realizes how wrong it is. *sigh* We're too grown. & some people should just know better.

If he calls me boo/sexy etc. 1 more time smh Really disgusting. Why is so persistent? Never liked him. Prob. never will if I have my way. He turns me all the way off. *shivers* GAHROSS!

I'm not Sue. Don't text me with your sexual frustrations and/or woes cause I will not & do not CARE AT ALL. Who are you? Times have drastically changed. I'm not a pushover. Don't send me pictures neither *gags* It freaks me out. You freak me out. Vamoosh!

All I want is a hippie with a poet's heart. Who will hand me a bunch of eco-friendly notebooks instead of flowers. Who will play in my hair and make me a wreath of baby's breath. Who will teach me how to drive & take me to the museum on my bday. Or the zoo. Who shares the love I have for Tim Burton ANYTHING. Who will LOVE the fact that I can be awkwardly shy & weird. & smile when I burst out into song or random characters. :)

I am patient...see you in my dreams ;-)

-Ash