Come again?

Seems like infidelity isn't as hidden from my eyes as I'd like it to be. Seems like people real close to me are having relationship problems and then some.

Sadly, I've been reminded of some events that took place a cool minute ago.

& now people are randomly popping up around my birthday just like I knew they would.

I'm supposed to play it cool. Pretend to be blind as they are now at MY mercy. Give them hell. Make them feel like shit. I...cannot.

I've gotten more surprises this year than ever before. NOTHING tops these. I'm quite spooked. & now I jump when I hear my phone ring. Or any phone for that matter. When will they run out of ways to try to give me a heart attack? *sigh*

I told myself I'd never even speak to you. Though we both know you'll be in my life FOREVER because of the inevitable. I was fine with US not speaking though. I made myself be fine with it. We were supposed to hate eachother. We're not doing a good job. Honestly. I was expecting you to be an oblivious asshole. You're supposed to say it was me. INSTEAD you apologize and take FULL blame?! What....the....hell....? This changes EVERYTHING! Grrrrrrrrr!!! Why are you owning up to YOUR shit?! I thought we were just supposed to forget about eachother. I was mad at you. You were mad at me. What happened? Things were going fine until you MATURED!

I'm not mad. Not even. Baffled yes. YOU give me hope. Sometimes. I never knew I could stay on people's minds until recently. They're coming out of the woodworks. It gets crazy. I've been warned.

Lack of communication. It has killed most of my relationships in GENERAL. I'm a worrier. I NEED reassurance SOMETIMES. I don't mean to be this way but this is my blueprint. It's who I am. I had to step back from the computer to look myself in the mirror. I needed to understand who I was dealing with. Myself that is. I mean me. I need to know who I am.

Studying my past relationships I've noticed I didn't even take the time out to be a decent friend. I felt as though I knew I'd be everything they wanted. I felt as though I already knew them.

WRONG.

& it seems to me that they thought that if they just loved me then I wouldn't want for anything.

Also WRONG.

Add that. Subtract LISTENING & HEARING. Divide talking. Answer: 2 failed relationships.

Everybody has failed at something I'm sure. I never thought I'd fail at that.

Which brings me to this.

I'm not ready for a relationship. Well I AM but I'm NOT (does that make sense?) I just want quality people in my life. I wanna see how good of a friend they are when shit hits the fan. OR when I get really emotional as I tend to at times. That's the foundation. I didn't have that with neither of those guys. The things that I thought I would come to know never really appeared to me because I never really knew these guys at all. I should've just took my time. I won't make that mistake again.

& I'm used to selfish people being around me and dissing me when I need them the most. It's when they come back different that shakes me. & the fact that they come back.

I've never been the type to write someone off for the things they've done in the past. I strongly believe people who see the error in their ways can change. Obviously it's up to them. & any person that can come to me and sincerely apologize is alright in my book. We're all human. I forgive so I can move on with my life. No point in me losing sleep. Everybody deserves a chance to show and prove. & they'll definitely have to do that with me.

I'm so overwhelmed right now. I don't know what to do.

Not to mention my friend who vanished completely popping up and catching me offguard today. Seriously. Did I miss something? It was just like old times. I really wanted to be angry. I don't want yo-yos in my life. I've had enough of that. I don't even know if he just popped up to say happy birthday only to leave again. I'm guessing he'll disappear again. The thought makes my stomach hurt. We have history. As friends.

Then onto the lies. An associate (wayyyyyyyyyy less than that) of mine wished me a happy bday today SMH! & proceeded to call me his wifey! *GAG!* then he proceeds to say he's engaged on fb :| (looks at the title of this entry) EXACTLY! & please don't tell me wifey is a term of endearment. & pleaseeeeeee please please don't tell me that we're friends when you didn't even know it was my bday. You couldn't have asked me? The nerve of some people. Used to send me 50 million pictures a day right on schedule (GAGGING!! that was bad enough) but forgets my bday & we've known eachother 8 years SMDH!! WTFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!

& IF you have a gf, love interest OR your heart belongs to someone OR yall taking a break for a minute please spare me the grief. Don't even look my way. I can't tell you how many times I've liked people who had girlfriends or just MAD GIRLS & NEVER said a WORD. Lies. Lies. Lies. Get your shit in order! You're hurting me when I haven't even done anything.

I am many things BUT I am NOT...

YOUR convenience.
Rebound.
OR toy.

GTFOOH.


IF you feel like you need to lie to me about something then you're DEAD WRONG & you shouldn't be doing whatever it is you're doing. Fool. When I find out (& I will) You'll regret it.

& also please don't clown me. Not saying any names but I'm talking about your racist ass if you're reading this. Never in LIFE will you EVER have the privilege of being my friend EVER AGAIN. So don't call me or cry to me about how upset you are that I moved. I don't want to hear your wackass gossip or the stories about the girls you WISHED were on your nuts! Pretending you were getting chased by the police so you could hang up when YOU called ME. If you're ashamed to be my friend then just DON'T. I could care less. I'm not your entertainment. All because I pulled your card you're upset? You should've never tried me in the first place. *excuse my language* Racist mo'fucka. FUCK YOU. If I wanna go out with my white friend(s) or any other race then I fucking will. Is YOU MAD? Tired ass throwback. Stop inviting me out with you cause I don't like your ass! You're fucking rude! & don't EVER EVER EVER step foot near my residence. Don't even come down here. We're done.

He really succeeded if he wanted to piss me off. I'm fuming.

Moral of the story...

If you're gonna be in my life be there all the way. I don't need you judging me or coping attitude or name calling or being disrespectful to other people in my life. & PLEASE don't lie to me. I don't need that. I'm a very honest person and I expect the same from others. No matter what it is. I've lost respect for so many people it's sad. The truth shall set you free. Don't be afraid to tell me how you feel. Forreal.

& if you already do all that then we have no problems.

& I love you! lol

-Ash

P.S. I swear if somebody else front on me....mannnnnnnnnnnn LISTEN.